


this is crime

by frogchamp (ediblesunshine25)



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Thieves, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crimes & Criminals, Gen, Help, Inspired by Real Events, Radio, Shoes, more specifically boots but yeah first tag is shoes we're doing well, technically it's inspired by real events?, they steal boots okay???, they use fancy walkie-talkie lingo because i said so, where is it???, where is ranboo and tubbo's friendship tag, whole lotta build-up to some big crime and it turns out they're stealing boots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29645103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ediblesunshine25/pseuds/frogchamp
Summary: Step 1: Get the time of the shipment’s arrival.Done.Step 2: Reach the designated spot outside the warehouse.In progress.Step 3: Observe the shipment’s arrival.Incomplete.Step 4: Check that the cameras are disabled.Incomplete.Step 5: Retrieve the shipment.Incomplete.Step 6: Return to the bunker and deposit the shipment.Incomplete.He could do this.or, ranboo and tubbo steal some boots very professionally (help me this is a crackfic that i invested myself in way too much oh god)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	this is crime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elisnotok](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elisnotok/gifts).



> hello li
> 
> this didn't leave my mind
> 
> context: wayyy back when they were playing the arena branch of diversity (i think??) and ranboo accidentally bought too many pairs of boots, however long ago that was, i had this idea. h/w discord friends know. i felt obligated to actually write it for some reason.
> 
> just
> 
> take this
> 
> i am so sorry for using this week's braincells for this. i promise i will update my ongoing fic and i have oneshots in the works but here! you get a weird-ass concept written completely unironically. yay.
> 
> i also gave them ridiculous tech bc why not

“This is Tubbo calling Ranboo, I repeat, Tubbo calling Ranboo. Come in. Over.”

Ranboo holds down the side of his earpiece for a few seconds. “Go for Ranboo, over.”

The earpiece crackles.

“New shipment arriving in two hours. Be there a half-hour before. Over.”

The shipment wasn’t supposed to come in until later this week! If the schedule changed, they would need to get back into the company’s computers to access it. He types this out quickly and sends the digital Post-It note to their hologram corkboard.

“Wilco, over and out.”

Ranboo clips a spare walkie-talkie to its assigned spot on his belt and shoves his tablet and other necessities into his backpack. It’s going to take forty-five minutes to drive to the warehouse without traffic, so he can only pray it’ll be a speedy drive.

He slings his backpack over his shoulder, jogging out of the main part of the steel-walled bunker and into their cargo elevator. It’s much faster than the normal one, though it opens into the garage instead of the main foyer. Ranboo needs access to the garage anyway.

He runs over their protocol in his head.

_Step 1: Get the time of the shipment’s arrival._ Done.

_Step 2: Reach the designated spot outside the warehouse._ In progress.

_Step 3: Observe the shipment’s arrival._ Incomplete.

_Step 4: Check that the cameras are disabled._ Incomplete.

_Step 5: Retrieve the shipment._ Incomplete.

_Step 6: Return to the bunker and deposit the shipment._ Incomplete.

He could do this.

The elevator door slides open and reveals the damp concrete walls of the garage. Ranboo slides into the driver’s seat of the van and hits the shortcut on the GPS for the location of the warehouse.

The drive is the same as it’s always been.

When Ranboo finally reaches the empty lot, he sends the message to Tubbo and waits.

This is always the most boring part, between steps two and three, when he paces the back of the van and impatiently monitors the passing of time. Tubbo should be arriving soon. There’s never any guarantee of who Tubbo will be bringing to assist, so Ranboo hopes for Techno’s speed and agility.

Rain begins pattering onto the roof of the van. They’d need to be even faster than normal to avoid damaging any of the contents of the shipment.

Ranboo is glad he wore the shoes with extra-sticky treads.

Besides that, what is _taking so long?_

He checks his watch. It’s been an hour and fifteen minutes and Tubbo is still nowhere to be seen.

Ranboo taps his earpiece. “Ranboo calling Tubbo, come in Tubbo, over.”

“Go ahead. Over.” Tubbo’s voice in his ear is loud and almost causes him to jump.

“Step two is complete. What’s your twenty? Over.”

Ranboo steps back into the front of the van to glance out both windows.

“Uh, I’m en route to the warehouse. Should be there within ten minutes.”

Ranboo waits.

“Oh, right- over.” Tubbo says hurriedly.

He laughs.

“Copy. I’ll be waiting, over and out.” 

Only a little more to go until Ranboo wouldn’t have to wait for step three by himself. Time was dragging by so slowly today.

The rain’s letting up, which is a good sign, but when he pulls up the forecast on his tablet it seems like it’ll be drizzling on and off for another hour. The cardboard of the boxes better be thick enough to protect the boots, or else they might be in trouble. Ranboo’s never had to abandon a shipment before and he doesn’t want this to be the first one.

The warehouse’s service door is out of sight at the moment, around the corner from the huge door that slides parallel to the ceiling to let trucks in. The sidewalk doesn’t extend past the whole warehouse, just enough for it to seem not too suspicious when Ranboo will have to sidle up to the service door and slip inside. Steps four and five are a time-tested routine: access the company’s CCTV feed to ensure nothing is working properly, memorize that day’s code for the keypad, run to the service door and unlock it, wait for the go-ahead that means the van’s parked directly outside, prop the door open with a spare pallet, and ferry the boxes out into the back of the van. 

Ranboo shouldn’t be getting ahead of himself, though, seeing as they haven’t even completed step three.

Finally, Tubbo pulls in beside him, stepping out of his own car and motioning for Ranboo to unlock the passenger side of the van.

“Jesus, it’s like you get taller every time I see you,” Tubbo says as he hoists himself into the seat.

“Might as well be the case.” Ranboo shrugs. “You wouldn’t know either way.”

They laugh quietly and Ranboo remembers-

“When’s the shipment scheduled to arrive? The schedule changed so abruptly.” It normally remains the same, except for the few times the company switches manufacturers or sub-delivery companies. 

Tubbo reaches into his messenger bag and pulls out his own tablet. It opens up to the schedule on a surprisingly bare Excel spreadsheet, and sure enough, the last column says ‘3:30 PM’.

“Yeah,” Tubbo tucks the tablet back into the bag, “I don’t know what happened.”

It’s almost 3:30, so they sit and wait for the truck driving up the road to stop inside the warehouse. With another fifteen painful minutes of waiting for the boxes to be unloaded, step three is complete. Ranboo crosses it off in his mind. The truck’s back slides shut and it reverses to head back the way it came, sending both of them into a scramble to prepare for the next step.

“Okay, okay, cameras?” Ranboo says, craning his head to see Tubbo’s tablet again.

The screen displays squares of static with numbers printed in the corners.

“Out.” Tubbo confirms. “We need the keypad.”

His fingers move frantically across the screen to open another Excel spreadsheet. What was up with the Excel spreadsheets?

“Four, nine…” Tubbo trails off and instead hands the tablet to Ranboo. “Just read it for yourself.”

The day’s code is 465257, which he repeats in his head until it’s ingrained. 

“Got it.” Ranboo pulls his backpack onto his shoulders again, runs over the code one more time, and opens the car door. Step five is what the whole operation is about. It may be the trickiest, but this is where everything pays off.

“Good luck!” Tubbo waves and slides the driver’s side door closed. 

Ranboo dashes for the service door.

He winces, the rain somehow flying directly into his eyes, and feels the pavement give way to gravel. The keypad blinks the same _red, red, blank, red, blank_ it always has. With six beeping noises of various pitches, the handle clicks. Ranboo shoves open the door, grinning at its familiar weight against his shoulder. He heads for the closest corner with empty wooden pallets stacked to almost his full height and pulls one down.

When the door is propped open, revealing Tubbo to have driven up right outside, Ranboo pivots on his heel and searches for where the boxes had been left. They’re against the wall, the black print reading gibberish combinations of numbers and letters with a few “Size”s and “Platforms” thrown in. He hoists the first box he can reach into his arms to bring it out to the waiting, empty van.

He and Tubbo walk back into the warehouse and begin ferrying the boxes out. They need to hurry, he knows, and this shipment seems to have been a large one. 

“What kind of boots do you think these are?” Tubbo calls from inside the warehouse.

“I saw the word ‘platforms’ on some of the boxes, so I’d guess platforms.” 

The two of them stand on either sides of the doorway.

“You know, we could nick a few pairs and no one would know,” Tubbo wiggles his eyebrows.

“Why…” Ranboo sighs.

The back of the van is almost entirely full of boxes. He cranes his head to check for any remaining boxes (there are none), and mentally crosses off step five.

“Good to go?” 

“Good to go. You wanna drive?” Ranboo gestures to where the keys are still in the car.

“Nah, I have to drive my own car. Meet you back at the bunker?”

Ranboo nods. “Step six, comin’ right up.”

He shuts the back of the van and they both slide into their own driver’s seats. Ranboo pulls in front of Tubbo, letting the way back fall into his mind.

The turns are mindless. When Ranboo shifts the van into park, Tubbo is sliding into the garage right next to him. They exit their respective cars and high-five. Step six is effectively completed.

“We just stole some boots!”

  
  
“We sure did.”

**Author's Note:**

> dear god i invested myself way too much in this
> 
> people seem to like crackfics a lot so please consider checking out my legitimate fics i promise they're much better
> 
> consider giving me validation? i guzzle that stuff like- water?? idk, i think i am very funny.
> 
> i finished writing this during tubbo's stream today and i believe that they would be chaotic enough to steal boots.


End file.
